Dear Mr Abramovich
I am writing with regard to the current managerial vacancy at Chelsea Football Club.
Most people would claim that they would be grateful to be considered for such a
role; however I write this with confidence that you could not fail to place my
name on the shortlist. Once you have seen the depth of experience and talent
that I would bring to this role, I feel that you will agree.
With the current success of the Chelsea academy team, I
feel that experience working with young players would be crucial for this role
in enabling their transition to the first team. Thus, I believe that my
previous spell in charge of Asseri, a youth side in Costa Rica, has equipped me
with the correct tools to develop the current Chelsea academy players, as well
as some of the foreign players at the club. Several of these players are now on
the books of professional clubs in Costa Rica, displaying the excellent
coaching that they received at the youth levels.
The club also achieved significant success during my
tenure, achieving a 100% winning record and lifting two regional titles, whilst
playing attractive attacking football. Whilst it was at a lower level, I feel
it provides a glimpse at what you could see in the future at Stamford Bridge.
As you undoubtedly receive a number of applications
quoting extensive success on Football Manager, I assume that you generally tend
to regard achievements on said game with a great deal of scepticism. This comes
as a relief as my team currently lies just four points off the top of the
Premiership off the back of arguably the most successful season in the club’s
history. Clearly this level of failure is completely unacceptable in modern
football, and to achieve it with a club of the stature of Aylesbury United
simply makes it all the more embarrassing.
With no only my highly-regarded coaching skills, I am also
a qualified economist. With the growing influence of money in the sport, an
expert such as myself, who can not only read and write (not thinking of any
former Spurs managers here), but also manage risk and develop extensive models
to predict the future would be a valuable asset to the club. I would also ask
you to ignore the growing belief in the current climate that economists are
entirely useless at predicting not only the future, but also the past. It is
simply the desperate claims of left-wing idiots that are unhappy that we are
collecting huge pay checks for doing virtually nothing. As a successful capitalist
and oligarch, I am sure you can sympathise.
Jose Mourinho once spoke in length about eggs and
omelettes in a thinly veiled attack on the ownership of the club. His main
problem appeared to be that he was unable to visit Waitrose to obtain the class
one eggs that he was craving. However, as I am sure you appreciate, Spain is
currently the most successful nation at football. As a result, I feel it is
important to draw on ideas from the Spanish. Thus, to overcome Jose’s problem,
and ensure that the club is as successful as it deserves to be, I present to
you the Spanish Omelette. Due to its predominant potato base, a lack of class
one eggs no longer ruins the quality of the omelette. Therefore, one would no
longer have to shop at the highly-priced Waitrose to achieve perfection – an
important change in the current times of economic hardship.
I also have a keen interest in gambling, which could
potentially form a lucrative alternative source of revenue for the club. This
would be vital in providing additional funds for strengthening the squad,
whilst still passing the new UEFA Financial Fair Play regulations that are due
to come into force in the near future. Furthermore, having utilised extensive
contacts in the industry, the bookmakers would provide a quote of 1000/1 on
myself being named the new manager of Chelsea Football Club. Thus, by selling
Fernando Torres, who even you must agree has been about as useful as air
conditioning in the Siberian winter, and investing the proceeds in myself at
those odds, it would provide the funds to crush the two Manchester clubs and
ensure Chelsea’s position as Britain’s only superpower.
I hope that I have demonstrated that I would be a major
asset to Chelsea, both on the field and in bringing financial stability and
profitability to the club. One former manager declared himself the ‘Special One’
on taking over at the club. I do not wish to be viewed as a ‘Special One’, but would
rather you regard me as the ‘Second Coming.’
Yours faithfully
DW
